Thursday, January 14, 2010

Just some random, nagging thoughts...

Something I've been pondering the past couple months. Don't know if anyone else has had this experience or not...In my 20's and into my 30's I thought I had a pretty good grasp on life...I had alot of answers to life's questions, I knew what direction I was going & at times I wondered why some 'older' folks (which at the time could've been anyone over the age of 35 or 40) didn't seem to be as sure as me. I did not feel then nor do I now, that these insights were expressed in arrogance but in retrospect perhaps it was just naivety that comes with that age. Seems as though then it was sooo much easier to see things in black & white.
But now with my 49th birthday looming ever closer (and it doesn't take a mathematician to know how close that is to 50!) I tell my daughter I have few answers anymore & that's frustrating for me. The more people I meet of diverse backgrounds, being exposed to different cultures, ideas etc. I see alot more shades of greys than I use to. Oh that's not to say that I don't still hold to my core beliefs & values but the ripples (like when you throw a stone in the water) that have come out from them have changed over the years. In some ways it's freeing being able to recognize the greys now with feelings of enlightenment but in another way it's a challenge after all these years to adapt to the changes no matter how small.
And just today I realized I was subjecting myself to habits of old...Doing things for the wrong reason. Do we ever outgrow that?..everyone wants to fit in but do you totally ignore the part of you inside that says "that is just not 'me'"? Shouldn't you become part of something, not because you want to be a team player, but because you feel compelled in your heart to do it? Cause when you do it to show others you're trying to put your best foot forward, do you really give it your 'all' anyway?
I've heard it said that you need to go out of your comfort zone to grow...I believe that to a degree. You have to be 'stretched' for how will you ever find your hidden talents if you never try something new or different or to overcome a fear...But do we ever earn the right to say "this is a good thing in & of itself, but it's not something I want to pursue. It's not for me?" Would this be frowned upon as being unwilling to bend?
Growing in character, our spiritual walk or whatever the case may be, can there be a time where you draw the line but still achieve a well rounded, respected and happy balance between all the things we call a life?
I don't know....I'm asking.

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