Saturday, October 24, 2009

It's been awhile, I know....

...but I am still here. I guess I've just been so bogged down with some details of life that I haven't had the time to feel inspired to write. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking though. More often than not I think too much...I analyze things sometimes to the point that I can actually make things worse, if at all possible. I hate that about myself...and sometimes as hard as I try to apologize for past transgressions for some reason I don't feel the closure that I think I should, if that makes sense? Like afterwards I think, Oh if I'd only said this or that I would've gotten my point across better. Aaarrgh. (I have only a couple true 'regrets' that I might consider changing if I had the chance, but then if I did it would totally change the course of my life or perhaps 'who' I am, so would I actually do it? Can't say for sure)
I've also had insomnia for a few months which left me dragging & not feeling very well equipped to cope with some details of life...I recently found though a list of pre-menopausal symptons that can be at work here as well...And who knew that these things usually start around age 40 and we don't even know it! (like basically questioning everything you ever thought about certain things...that things aren't as black & white as they use to be when we were younger) Not to mention this list contains things I would've never connected to hormone changes...Who knew? But now that I do, I've made some modifications & am doing soooooooo much better!
I also found a tidbit of wisdom in what I would consider a very unlikely place....I'm reading the second autobiography of Valerie Bertinelli. She was talking about her own life but I can equate it to my own..And it does put some things into perspective in regards to my own issues. It's also nice hearing that we really aren't so very different even if we come from different backgrounds etc... There really is a commaraderie in screwing up. LOL And those regrets I have? Well, everyone really does look back on their life with 20/20 vision & wished they weren't so stupid for handling something so badly...
Here is an excerpt from Val's book, "I wondered why the heck I had wasted time wishing my folks had behaved one way or another rather than appreciating the thousands of coincidences, miracles, and hours of worry and hard work that had needed to happen in their lives for them to produce five children, raise four, deal with the death of one, and survive another forty-eight years.
Did it really matter that our politics differ? No. Did it still matter that we'd had a tough time when I was a teenager? No. Despite all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings over the years, we had ariived at the present in fairly good working order, and we were continuing to improve. At various times each of us had done a sort of spring cleaning of unnecessary emotional crap and clutter. We had gotten rid of the gripes that no longer mattered. We had let go, and let love take over"